STUPID ME

hahahaha... "STUPID ME" a lot of things are clouding my mind lately, and yet its hard for me to get over it.
I know I was deceived by my emotion. My brain's control was overshadowed by my feelings. An emotion for the wrong person at the wrong time and wrong place. I was stupid and I admit it. Although it hurts me but I guess its the best way to make things alright... How can I move on when I can't see anything clear in the road ahead of me... I "STUPID ME" and I guess its only time who can heal me now.

No facebook, no social networking, no social inter-action and stop being nice to everyone might be the best start for me to pass over all these stuffs. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUMMER's BEST

Summer, 2008 – Chances made her closer and closer to me. I have all the chance in hand to tell her everything yet hindrances permit me not to. And I feel so stupid making the wrong decision I ever have.

          Thesis time was a privileged for me. Aside from being one of my team mates, she turns to be my closest and best ever friend I have. Although we were used to it, but this time we will be sleeping together on the same mat, on the same tent for duration of almost two months in the field. And it was a breath taking experience with her. It seems like I won the most expensive item in the universe that anyone could imagine.

          On my first night with her, I barely sleep maybe of the excitement to do my first fieldwork on the next day or maybe because a lot of things clouded my mind. I feel like I have a sort of burst of emotions. It was very dark that I couldn’t even see my other teammates. Fog made the whole place very cold. And all you can hear at night were the unending calls of frogs and crickets with few hooting of birds. I was really conscious of my movement that I appear sleeping like a log; very straight and stiff. And on that very first time I started to feel different about her. Very, very different and I think no words can explain and express what it was. My heart pumps so fast and loud that I even hear it louder than the calls of the frog. She’s always running my mind. I have been thinking about her which causes me to wake up from time to time. And eventually it results me to have dreams about her. She is all I got and having her would mean a lot different for me.

          By the time we started to work in the field, we got busy and exhausted. Yet every time I am with her, days seems to be long enough for us to be together in the wilderness. Being with her, climbing to the peak of the mountain appears to be a piece of cake. Night sampling in the river turns to be full of fun catching toads and frogs and looking for snakes and lizards. Having someone special with you, watching how beautiful Mother Nature was really a great and treasured experience. I feel happy and satisfied that I was there with her when she first experience seeing a mossy forest, when she first experience horse back riding, when she first catch her first snake, when she experience catching fireflies at night, when she first experience chasing on monitor lizard, when she first eat frog’s and wild bore’s meat and most of all I was there when she experience some of the best thing that happens to her. 

Untold Memoirs

(continuation...) 

3^nd year, 2007 - Yet somehow, Fate has its own way of giving her to me. And this was the beginning of my happy days.

          I was in a hurry for my class when I realized that I coincidentally placed myself to a new block of biology students. I barely recognized them other than my friend who is with me from first year till then. As I looked at my new sets of classmates, I knew then that I would find the girl whom once made things very special to me. And I was right. And this time, we are not just classmates in one subject. This would simply mean that I have the chance to see her more than once a day. She is everything to me and well, it seems like Fate favors me now.

          Biology lecture classes, my math classes, chemistry classes, school activities, laboratory works and hang-outs all of which brings her closer to me. We tend to know each other and this time much deeper understanding of who we are. We hang-out sometimes, just the two of us. We ate lunch, snacks, and even dinner together. We exchanged phone numbers. We texted each other saying; good morning, good night, hi, hello and even sending funny messages and love quotes. We sometimes go to mass together. We share our burdens and happiness to one another. I find comfort and satisfaction with her. Were always been lab partners and partners both in crimes, happiness and sad moments of our life. And in my point of view we really enjoy having each others company.

          Third year for me was one of the most unforgettable days of my life. All of these became possible when she came to my life and be part of it. I still remember those days when I accompany her going home. I still remember those moments we spent together at the fast food chain. You know that feeling of having someone special on a date (obviously in our case it is not a date per se), where things on your mind was just focused on her with hands shaking, heart pumping so fast and your sweating a lot even the diners temperature was so cold. And for you not to appear so obvious you try to talk about something that is of no significant. It was just a simple dinner yet it means a lot to me. It was like a dream come true to me although I am not certain of what it means to her.

          I like her so much and time has been my witness for it. I like her not because she’s not into vegetables, cheese or pasta. I like her not because she is intelligent, of good moral character. I like her not because of these and that.  I simply like her with no particular reasons at all. I like her just the way she was. I care for her not because I was told to do so but rather because I need to care for her. Watch over her, assure that she is safe and offer the best effort I can make to satisfy her and make her happy.

          Fieldtrips and field works for me were really of great help. And because of it, I really have a lot of good memories with her. During fieldtrips and fieldworks, she’s always been my buddy. We always seat together with her on the window side since she like it. My job was to make her comfortable during the trip. Gave her jacket when she feels cold and share some foods when she is hungry. Hold her baggage and carry them. And check from time to time if she is okay. But for me the best part of the trip was watching her sleeping on my shoulder and I really miss it a lot. 

(to be continued...)

Untold Memoirs

2^nd Semester, Year 2005 – It all started from a sketch which might eventually change everything about me.

 It was afternoon and I was scheduled to have my Biology Class. I was in a rushed looking for my room knowing that minutes later I could possibly be late by then. Room 201 that’s it! I say to myself. When I enter the room, few of my classmates where their already and the rest of the faces I barely can’t recognized. It was a mixed class for different biology majors. I took the last row of seats at the back with some of my few classmates and few unknown people.

          The class was not that boring, it’s just that freshmen students like me have little tolerance for lecture stuffs especially when the topic was about plant cells and its parts. So for us not to get sleepy my classmates and I do some sketching. We sketch anything that comes to our mind even our professor has been our object. I remember it once, I drew a picture of my professor and we labeled it Santa Claus. And it was passed on to the next person beside me secretly and wrote some comments on it. And then finally it reached to someone who really made me stunned for a moment.

          She was seating second from the end of my right side in our row. She was seating together with her friends. She is beautiful, gorgeous and very lovely. I even remember the first time she talked to me saying “what a nice drawing” giving complement to my sketch about my professor who remains naïve on what we are doing. I was stunned for a moment by then when I was attracted to her. No words, no actions for few seconds.

          Since then, it became my motivation to attend my Biology class as early as possible. Seating on the same side where I can see her all the time. She looked so happy with her friends; laughing, talking and even making jokes. And it seems like I am secretly stalking on her. She got me! That’s all I can say about it. I still do make sketches but this time I usually made it secretly. I am sketching not my professor anymore but the girl few chairs on my right. She was really amazing and she makes my biology class very unforgettable. Every lecture class, I never miss a thing of looking at her secretly, completing my day happily and satisfied. I said to myself she is the girl I have been looking for although I am not sure about it.

          One day, on the same class, on the same position and on the same angle I was upset. Seems the world was looking down on me when I heard the news and it was confirmed that the person next to her was her boyfriend. Ouch! It really hurts me a lot. Well, what can I do about it? I am just nobody for her. She even barely knew that I exist. I like her and she doesn’t like me in return and that’s the truth; truth that sometimes heavy enough for me to carry and unload.

          Days later and school year is almost over. Things were starting to change. I seldom hear from her again. I barely see her in the campus. Days were running so fast and it’s already summer break. Although frustrated… yet I cannot do anything about it. I say to myself “I must move-on” and I guess that is the best thing for me to do.

(to be continued...)

Gravitational Law of Relationship

It was on the year 1600’s when Newton formulated the universal law of Gravitational Attraction. In his theory, he states that every massive particle in the universe attracts every other massive particle with a force which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. In other words, the attraction of the two different masses can be affected by their masses and the distance that separates them. Basically this law can be simplified by this formula:

However, who would have thought that his formula of attraction can also be used in other field aside from physics and the like matters. In the study of relationship, this formula of Newton can be of great help, particularly dealing with long-distance relationships. Long-distance relationships as being defined as an intimate relationship that takes place when the partners are separated by considerable distance. So let’s define this equation in terms of relationship so that it would be easier for us to understand the concept.

First, the F in the equation of Newton represents the Force. In terms of relationship this Force refers to Love. Love as we define it was a feeling or force of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration. Second the G represents the gravitational constant; it refers to the unchangeable factors of the relationship which includes personality, culture and many more. The two m in the equation represents the two individuals involved in the relationship. And lastly the r refers to the distance that separates them.

So basically the equation shows that individuals who loved each other are being challenged by the distance that separates them. In other word, it’s the distance that determines their relationship. Take this situation for an example:

A guy has a girlfriend who is hundreds of miles away from him. Though they promise to maintain communication, trust, and sincerity to one another just to hold the relationship together still both of them where so vulnerable to changes. It is either the guy or the girl or both of them may look for someone who could give them the love they want when they where together. In cases like this, individuals may divert their feelings to someone who is closer to him or her. And if this third party responds to the call of love, shifting of the gravitational attraction will favor the illegitimate one since their distance of attraction was closer compared to the original. And it is a sad reality.

 However, although cases like this were inevitable. The gravitational law of attraction gives us very good insights especially in building relationships. First, that we should be open to possibilities. No matter how hard we keep things in our hand, time will come that the one we treasured most must be freed. And we should be at least prepared for it. Second, that loving someone was of a great challenge. Time in relationship is not just gold but rather it is diamond. Every minute in a relationship counts and we should be prepared on how to make this every minute memorable. And lastly, that maintaining relationship to last forever both must overcome the challenge of distance. Distance is not the end of the world of relationship (Stephen Blake). Distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and LOVE. And the prize for surpassing this quest would be eternal.

Although the premise of the equation was real yet let’s make use this equation in strengthening our relationship. Now we know of the possibilities, then we should make actions that this possibilities may not occur.

Unrequited Dairy

April 27, 2009

Things are now starting to be weird; life of a graduate student was really different. A lot of pressures are pushing me hard. I don’t know where to go. I was stocked in this very unlikely moment of my life. Yet behind all this sad moments in me, I still have the chance to smile and cherish each day knowing that my friends, family and you will always be with me no matter what will happen. You have been so special to me and I couldn’t even imagine how I adore you so much. It’s been like Cupid was playing with my innocent heart. I never thought that the girl whom I like so much during my biology 103 lecture class would be the girl who would bring changes in me. Though I know during those days I couldn’t even have the chance to be your friend.

                However, still fate has its own way of giving you to me. Bringing you closer to me would be a satisfaction for my soul and for my stupid heart. Actually, I thought this feeling will be lost forever in vain. A lot of diversions have been done yet the more it hurts me and the more my feelings for you grows bigger and bigger.

                From the moment I reached third year collage, we became closed friends and eating partners though I wasn’t expecting that we could reach that far. You became much closed to me and things in me got changed and to tell you frankly, next to God and my family you became 3^rd in my priorities. You welcome me and accept me for who I am. In times of lonely and sad moments in my life you show me hope, you brought changes and you answer some of my prayers. You’ve been a great gift to me by God.

                Later, we tend to know each other but this time much deeper understanding of who we are. I thought it would be better in my case for us to remain like this (friends), but then thru circumstances I realized that the more I was driven closed to you the more would it be hard for me to express how I really feel towards you. The moment you texted me and every time you forwarded me with some of your funny and serious messages, I always tend to feel a spark in my heart of which I couldn’t explain. It was like a mere feeling of mixed emotions which sometimes causes me to have sleepless nights and day dreaming.

                I have been waiting in vain for a moment to tell you everything yet circumstances have different plans for us. JS prom could be the perfect and exact time for me but fear and lack of encouragement overrides my intentions and purpose. At that night you definitely look very gorgeous with a stunning beauty. How I wished then to have you for a dance that night.

                Time passes by, and our very tiring and thesis life has come that we even sometimes forget to have dinner dates again at Chowking, Jolibee or Macki’s. Till graduation was so near and we sometimes have no time for ourselves. However, God gives me the greatest graduation gift I have when He allow me to have you a small, very small yet very memorable day and this time with our parents in Timoga.

                And now college life has been over, we are now heading to our separate ways, still, my unrequited love was the same… it will always wait in vain. But this time I was far from you. I wouldn’t have the chance to see you again. I won’t see again the face that has been blessed by God with innocence and love. My mind told me to move on yet my heart wants me to stay. Dreaming of you every night was just an understatement of how I really miss you so much. It caused me so much pain and depression.

                Days are coming and leaving so fast, yet still no news from you. Thoughts are coming to me that somehow you’re busy with your priorities in life and I am just at the bottom of your list. And having me would just be a hindrance to your success. I always thought of what if I was once one of your boyfriends; whom you love and who experienced being loved by you. Sometimes I got jealous to think that I don’t have the courage and confidence to tell you everything like what they did. Or I was just weighing the scale and I am just afraid to loose you as my true and best friend or maybe for sure I was just afraid and not ready to accept rejections. Sometimes I thought I was once your ultimate crush; with all those obsessions and dedications from you.  Well lucky for them, they got you, the most perfect girl whom I have been dreaming to have.  Frankly speaking, I don’t want to be your stalker yet my actions would define me as one. I always kept a picture of you in my room and totally that was really a sign of obsession.

                However, just don’t be worried about it. I don’t want you to answer my feelings in return. All I want was just the friendship we try to build for almost three years (although it sounds stupid for me not to wish to have you but just the friendship. Hahahaha). I don’t want you to feel awkward about me after knowing all these stupid things I have done. I just simply can’t handle it when you will be away from me. I don’t want to loose that spark in my heart that once hit me every time you’re near with me. I don’t want to forget everything about you. The adventures we are into. The experiences we shared together. I know I am not the person whom you wish for, the person who will answer your dreams.  But all I asked is for you to understand me. I don’t know if this feeling was called love for I haven’t been in love before. But one thing is for sure, it has something to do with you and for you alone.